A few weeks ago, I ran the Top of Utah Marathon. This was my second time tackling this distance, and I add that little bit of information only to emphasize the fact that I did it again. Meaning, this time I did it knowing what I was in for. I know, I know, the pride is so loud it's hurting your ears. But I really do feel good about having done it. Also, it was an amazing experience, as I think a lot of really, really hard things end up being, so I'd like to write a little about it here.
Here is what was hard about running this marathon: The mental stuff. In my opinion, this was the whole feat--running 26 miles while left alone inside my own brain. For the entire four-hour time span, I had to keep my traitorous mind from dipping its little wandering fingers into any pools of negativity. If it did that, I knew I was finished. Or at least in for a pretty miserable four hours.
For the first 18 or 19 miles of the race, my dear friend Maizy and I ran together. This was nice because the miles simply flew behind us while we talked about life, boys, and our thoughts on the universe. I even tried to get her to play twenty questions with me, but she politley declined. We had a great time, though, and even though we stopped for the porta potties at least 1,000 times, we were running along at a good pace. After a while, though, we split up, and I began to feel rather alone and rather tired.
Luckily, I had prepared myself mentally for my alone time with all kinds of mind tricks I could pull out at the first sign of deflation. One of these was to say a little chant to myself over and over, in time with my footsteps. I once knew a boy who ran the last ten miles of his marathon chanting under his breath, "I'm an animal. I'm a robot. I'm an anibot." My own little chant went something like this: "My body is relaxed. I'm running in line with my chi." I'm not really sure what this meant, but it made me picture a giant tunnel of air blowing behind me and taking me along in its stream. All I had to do was loosen up and be pushed along. This mental image kept me going for a good many miles.
Another mental trick I had prepared was to dedicate every two miles to someone I know who is struggling with something or who I just care about. My mom had given me the idea, so the night before the race, just before I was turning off my light to go to sleep, I wrote down thirteen names on a piece of hotel notebook paper. I also wrote two thoughts I liked and wanted to keep with me. One was "The body wears out, but the mind lasts forever." The other was "I am a lady cheetah." Funny, but it motivates me. I put all three sheets of paper--my list and the two quotes--in my sports bra so they would be close if I needed some little reasons to keep going during the race. For the first twelve miles or so, while Maizy was still with me, I just pulled out my little list every two miles to see who the next two miles were for and then thought of those people for a few minutes. A couple of the miles during this time were for one of my nephews who has a hard time believing in himself. I pictured him as a confident and happy person someday and imagined that my persevering in the marathon would somehow allow him to become that way. Some kind of karma, you know. It was amazing how motivating this was; it made the running feel like a collective task. A couple of the other miles during this time were for a student of mine who is a recovering meth addict and is trying desperately to quit smoking. We had talked recently about how her sticking out another day without smoking is similar to my finishing another mile without stopping. Her task is a lot harder, but the principles are the same. I thought of her in the hard miles of the race and how much she probably wanted a cigarette sometimes, and I kept going. The most euphoric, adrenaline-charged miles during this time happened to be for my two little nephews and one little niece who all died in my sister-in-law's belly before they were delivered. As I was running, I tried to imagine myself experiencing the pain and the tedium and the adrenaline for those little babies since they would never get to feel these things. I focused on how miraculously alive I felt. Even the pain developing in my left butt cheek was a sign of my aliveness. I told myself I had a life and legs and could do things like run marathons, and this grandma-like admonition to myself strangely placed me on top of the world. During these miles, I felt like I could run three marathons. They were spectacular.
At about mile 21, however, after Maizy and I had parted ways, I began to get very tired of running. My whole body was tightening up in a hard knot, my stomach felt as empty as the grand canyon, and I was going crazy not having anyone to distract me from my self-doubt. I had just run 21 miles, and I felt pretty satisfied with that. The next 5.2 miles just seemed superfluous. I wanted to stop runnning, walk off the course, and go shopping for the rest of the day. To keep myself going, I began to really focus on the people I had designated my miles for. Two of these miles were dedicated to my mom. I thought about her and how she has influenced me and the person I have become more than any single person in the whole wide world. She is really beyond amazing. Anyone who knows her can affirm that. I knew as I was running that she was thinking of me and sending good thoughts my way. This mattered so much. I knew she would be at the finish line and would tear up and hug me and feel proud of me for doing it. My favorite memory of running my first marathon was crossing the finish line and having my mom there with her arms open and a huge teary smile on her face. She is wonderful. I also had dedicated two of these later miles to my dad, who had just had knee replacement surgery on both knees. These were hard miles for me, and I had to pretend that my dad was running with me with his post-surgery knees, and I was trying to get him up the slight inclines that made up these two miles. I kept saying "Come on Dad. Come on Dad," of course only talking to myself.
A few other things that motivated me during this time: running next to a guy with a stereo bouncing up and down in his pocket playing "Crazy Train," a lot of wonderful people along the side of the road cheering loudly at really hard parts, and the man just before mile 26 who chided me for taking a walking break and screamed, "You've only got .2 to go! Run!"
Of course, the best part of any race is running across the finish line. It's hard to describe how good it feels to turn the corner and see the big finish sign within reach after all that work. In fact, that feeling is one of the biggest reasons I decided to run another marathon. It must be as addicting as any drug. The crowds were lined up along both sides, and I ran ecstatically through, searching desperately to pick out my family in the crowd. I spotted my mom first, and immediately I reverted to my six-year-old self. I felt like screaming, "Mom! Look at me! Look at me running a marathon!" Then I saw my dad, my dear old dad who had just had his knee surgeries and was there sitting in a lawn chair, having endured an hour's drive in pain to come see me finish my race. Have I mentioned that I love my parents? Well, I do. With them in sight, I summoned all my remaining strength and ran across that blessed finish line.
The bottom line of this experience: running is a good thing because it is a hard thing. I'm in the middle of a book called "What I talk About When I Talk About Running." It's by Haruki Murakami and is basically a runner's memoir. Here is a little piece I would like to close with:
"Most runners run not because they want to live longer but because they want to live life to the fullest. If you're going to while away the years, it's far better to live them with clear goals and fully alive than in a fog [...] Exerting yourself to the fullest within your individual limits: that's the essence of running and a metaphor for life."
Here is what was hard about running this marathon: The mental stuff. In my opinion, this was the whole feat--running 26 miles while left alone inside my own brain. For the entire four-hour time span, I had to keep my traitorous mind from dipping its little wandering fingers into any pools of negativity. If it did that, I knew I was finished. Or at least in for a pretty miserable four hours.
For the first 18 or 19 miles of the race, my dear friend Maizy and I ran together. This was nice because the miles simply flew behind us while we talked about life, boys, and our thoughts on the universe. I even tried to get her to play twenty questions with me, but she politley declined. We had a great time, though, and even though we stopped for the porta potties at least 1,000 times, we were running along at a good pace. After a while, though, we split up, and I began to feel rather alone and rather tired.
Luckily, I had prepared myself mentally for my alone time with all kinds of mind tricks I could pull out at the first sign of deflation. One of these was to say a little chant to myself over and over, in time with my footsteps. I once knew a boy who ran the last ten miles of his marathon chanting under his breath, "I'm an animal. I'm a robot. I'm an anibot." My own little chant went something like this: "My body is relaxed. I'm running in line with my chi." I'm not really sure what this meant, but it made me picture a giant tunnel of air blowing behind me and taking me along in its stream. All I had to do was loosen up and be pushed along. This mental image kept me going for a good many miles.
Another mental trick I had prepared was to dedicate every two miles to someone I know who is struggling with something or who I just care about. My mom had given me the idea, so the night before the race, just before I was turning off my light to go to sleep, I wrote down thirteen names on a piece of hotel notebook paper. I also wrote two thoughts I liked and wanted to keep with me. One was "The body wears out, but the mind lasts forever." The other was "I am a lady cheetah." Funny, but it motivates me. I put all three sheets of paper--my list and the two quotes--in my sports bra so they would be close if I needed some little reasons to keep going during the race. For the first twelve miles or so, while Maizy was still with me, I just pulled out my little list every two miles to see who the next two miles were for and then thought of those people for a few minutes. A couple of the miles during this time were for one of my nephews who has a hard time believing in himself. I pictured him as a confident and happy person someday and imagined that my persevering in the marathon would somehow allow him to become that way. Some kind of karma, you know. It was amazing how motivating this was; it made the running feel like a collective task. A couple of the other miles during this time were for a student of mine who is a recovering meth addict and is trying desperately to quit smoking. We had talked recently about how her sticking out another day without smoking is similar to my finishing another mile without stopping. Her task is a lot harder, but the principles are the same. I thought of her in the hard miles of the race and how much she probably wanted a cigarette sometimes, and I kept going. The most euphoric, adrenaline-charged miles during this time happened to be for my two little nephews and one little niece who all died in my sister-in-law's belly before they were delivered. As I was running, I tried to imagine myself experiencing the pain and the tedium and the adrenaline for those little babies since they would never get to feel these things. I focused on how miraculously alive I felt. Even the pain developing in my left butt cheek was a sign of my aliveness. I told myself I had a life and legs and could do things like run marathons, and this grandma-like admonition to myself strangely placed me on top of the world. During these miles, I felt like I could run three marathons. They were spectacular.
At about mile 21, however, after Maizy and I had parted ways, I began to get very tired of running. My whole body was tightening up in a hard knot, my stomach felt as empty as the grand canyon, and I was going crazy not having anyone to distract me from my self-doubt. I had just run 21 miles, and I felt pretty satisfied with that. The next 5.2 miles just seemed superfluous. I wanted to stop runnning, walk off the course, and go shopping for the rest of the day. To keep myself going, I began to really focus on the people I had designated my miles for. Two of these miles were dedicated to my mom. I thought about her and how she has influenced me and the person I have become more than any single person in the whole wide world. She is really beyond amazing. Anyone who knows her can affirm that. I knew as I was running that she was thinking of me and sending good thoughts my way. This mattered so much. I knew she would be at the finish line and would tear up and hug me and feel proud of me for doing it. My favorite memory of running my first marathon was crossing the finish line and having my mom there with her arms open and a huge teary smile on her face. She is wonderful. I also had dedicated two of these later miles to my dad, who had just had knee replacement surgery on both knees. These were hard miles for me, and I had to pretend that my dad was running with me with his post-surgery knees, and I was trying to get him up the slight inclines that made up these two miles. I kept saying "Come on Dad. Come on Dad," of course only talking to myself.
A few other things that motivated me during this time: running next to a guy with a stereo bouncing up and down in his pocket playing "Crazy Train," a lot of wonderful people along the side of the road cheering loudly at really hard parts, and the man just before mile 26 who chided me for taking a walking break and screamed, "You've only got .2 to go! Run!"
Of course, the best part of any race is running across the finish line. It's hard to describe how good it feels to turn the corner and see the big finish sign within reach after all that work. In fact, that feeling is one of the biggest reasons I decided to run another marathon. It must be as addicting as any drug. The crowds were lined up along both sides, and I ran ecstatically through, searching desperately to pick out my family in the crowd. I spotted my mom first, and immediately I reverted to my six-year-old self. I felt like screaming, "Mom! Look at me! Look at me running a marathon!" Then I saw my dad, my dear old dad who had just had his knee surgeries and was there sitting in a lawn chair, having endured an hour's drive in pain to come see me finish my race. Have I mentioned that I love my parents? Well, I do. With them in sight, I summoned all my remaining strength and ran across that blessed finish line.
The bottom line of this experience: running is a good thing because it is a hard thing. I'm in the middle of a book called "What I talk About When I Talk About Running." It's by Haruki Murakami and is basically a runner's memoir. Here is a little piece I would like to close with:
"Most runners run not because they want to live longer but because they want to live life to the fullest. If you're going to while away the years, it's far better to live them with clear goals and fully alive than in a fog [...] Exerting yourself to the fullest within your individual limits: that's the essence of running and a metaphor for life."
4 comments:
Amanda,
You are the light in the trees.
You are such a delight. Tears were rolling down my eyes as I read your blog.
Not a day goes by that I don't think of your mom. My thoughts of her are so warm. She was there for me during a very weird time in my life. As well as you.
You are ever mother's dream of a daughter.
Good to read that you and Maizy ran together.
You are a great soul, Amanda.
God bless you girl.
Love, Dawn
I must echo some of the words of ledgenof12...I do not know them but I too was just in tears as I read this post. My Mandy Lou.....I feel that I am at mile 21 right now. and all that I can focus on right now is ME ME ME. I am completely overwhelmed at your strength to make the next two miles about someone that you care for and that you felt so alive from the emotional connection with their stories. do you remember the time that you were asleep and I kissed you on the head? If I could just see you now...whether you were asleep or not I would kiss you and hug you and tell you that you are amazing to me and that I can be a better person because of friends like you. I am sorry that I never call but I hope that you know that I love you. if you want to ask my husband if I am a blubbering mess as I an writing this he would confirm that tears are falling from my eyes by the bucket loads....but.... hope and love ,that I can keep going to mile 26, are radiating from my face. THANK YOU! I love you
Amy
My two dear friends, thank you so much. :) I read both of your notes today, and if I've ever needed some words of confidence, today was the day. Thank you again. I miss you both!
Mandy!!!! Keep the posts coming, I love them more than letters can type.
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